The not-so-bitter truth

“You’re just bitter.”  This is a phrase commonly used to silence women.  Another variation says, “You are so unforgiving.”

The bitterness accusation is used to bully a woman and tell her how she “should” feel instead of asking her how she does feel.  Someone who uses this label expects her to pretend there has been no harm, no foul.  She is expected to pretend the one who hurt her is a great person, even if she knows he is a terrible person.  If she does not pretend, it is because she is “bitter and unforgiving.”

Abusers nearly always sling this accusation at their victims.  She may have accepted him back with open arms after a dozen violent episodes, but the first time she hesitates to “forgive and forget,” he will tell her she is a bitter and unforgiving person.

If only it stopped there.  The world does not want to hear the voice of the abused, either.  Let her speak of abuse in the divorce hearing, and the judge may roll his eyes.  When he makes his ruling concerning child support and visitation, he will keep in mind that the woman is “bitter.”

Let her speak of it to the church, and they will label her a feminist – even if she firmly believes in male headship and supports all the patriarchal viewpoints.

The fact is, no one wants to hear it.  In most circles, she can say, “My former husband was abusive,” and only be labeled a feminist.  But if she ever says, “He backhanded me across the face when I disagreed with him, and he dragged me through the house by my hair” – now, she is “bitter.”  Her words are interpreted as angry and violent, as if only a violent person could speak such awful words.

The message to abused women:  Shut up about it.  Go back to being ashamed, as if that hand across your face had left a nasty stain that made you evil rather than him.  It is not dignified or proper to speak of the ugliness of abuse.  It offends our sensibilities.  By making us hear about your experience, you are violating our sheltered little world.  We can forgive the man for hitting you, but we cannot forgive you for having the bad manners to actually talk about it.

Speaking the truth is not a sign of bitterness.  It is a sign of wholeness and stark, unblinking courage.  It takes guts to go beyond “He abused me” and say “He held a pillow over my face until I thought I was dying,” or even “He did things so unspeakable, I cannot make myself say them.” 

Jesus said, “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”  A woman may know the truth without speaking it, and she may in silence escape her own situation.  But a lone woman with sealed lips will not change the world.  It is not only the woman who must be set free; society itself needs to be set free from a culture of violence against women.

We must speak the truth to our society, so that we can all be set free.

Comments

[a female Christian]

what a fantastic post!!
Yes, it is only the truth that sets us free...as a Christian, as a counselor, and a counselee, as someone who was physically abused when younger, as someone who gets called all sorts by men and women in the Church, (to my face and behind my back), I say HALLELUJAH!
This is saved to my Favourites.

[Jim Coughlan]

You're so right.

Of course, it's not always that way.

The only time physical assault ever occurred during my marriage was when my wife physically assaulted me.

Yet she did accuse me of being abusive after we separated, because I would raise my voice and use bad language sometimes. Sometimes.

Maybe I was abusive - but she was too...

Yet I don't think she sees it that way. In her mind, she was simply in an abusive relationship.

[Headless Unicorn Guy]

“You’re just bitter.” This is a phrase commonly used to silence women. Another variation says, “You are so unforgiving.”

Ain't just used to silence women. I'm as male as you can get and I've had it (and similar) used on me.

This sort of ad hominem is a standard counterattack whenever an abuser (or control freak) gets challenged by anyone. Right up there with "Can't You Take a Joke?", it shifts all the burden of proof (and all the blame) on the target who dared get uppity.

[louis]

What Narcisist's do:

You're too sensitive.
I was just playing.
I was only kidding.
It was only a joke.
Don't take it personally.
We were just messing around.

You're just trying to (insert false intentions here).
You said that because you meant (insert false interpretation here).
Note that false intentions and false interpretations always make the victim appear bad and are spoken in an acusatory tone.

You hit me. (She was never hit, kicked, pushed, or anything ever.) False-allegations are divorce-court threats and jail-time threats. They will go as far as giving themselves self-inflicted bruises.

Speak critically of the target every time you see them. Then get offended when the target tries to avoid contact with you. Then, when the target cannot avoid contact, ask him why he is sulking, and take it personally, as if the victim's sadness was done on purpose to hurt the N.

Gas-lighting

Plausible deniability, ALWAYS!!!!!!!!! <-A very important part of their game/torture.

Lies, lies, and more lies. Some subtle, some blatant.

Apologise, but not for anything specific. Never actually admits to lying, gas-lighting, over-criticism... Just a blind-blanket-apology so that the victim will feel better for whatever it is he's "upset" about, knowing fully, damned well what the victim is hurt about.

TWO FACED. Tortures the chosen victim (often the youngest, most vulnerable with the smallest social network) while presenting a holy, dignified, respectible image to everyone else, so that if the victim complained and told the truth, it would make him appear paranoid at best.

Vampires and N's alike drain their victims, leaving them feeling sad, worthless, and very tired. They put the victim in a no-win situation. No matter how hard you try, you cannot do things right, or set things right.

Logic flies out the window.

Emotional logic reigns.

Emotional rants are demanded to be listened to, instead of calm, logical, rational, helpful, purposeful, loving consultation.

Boundaries are not respected.
The N. will enter your house without your permission, will not let you sleep at night, will follow you and demand attention when you have made it very clear that you need to be alone for a while.

Sex is used as a weapon.

There is no solution for dealing with malignant narcisists other than leaving them the hell alone and having nothing to do with them, No Contact, ignore, no home address, no email replys, block-send list, let the sheriff serve the papers, Adios or perhaps Adiablo.

They lie about others, and distort/exagerate their faults, so that the N look's like HE was the one betrayed and mistreated. Get this example: He ignores the N. because he's just upset that he had a smaller room than his brothers while they were growing up. Oh, if only things were so simple.

There's a type of "stalking" that involves such things as well. Plausible deniability is the key to making the torture so perfect, because whoever is confided in, has to wonder, at least on some level, if the victim is truly a target, or is truly certifiable, which can causes the victim to not share it with anyone, which internalizes the pain, which can lead to emotional PTSD, and that's where the real damage is done, and the N's know it, and the N's love it. It makes them feel powerful, loved, and like God to have their victim think about them and give them constant attention 24 hours a day. "The malison of God be upon the head of the people of tyrany."

[Diana]

this is not an issue that is about men bashing & abusing women,it's about abuse towards
women period!!! Men who take personal offense to these messages educating others about
the abuse have plenty to hide & run away from.Not all men are abusive nor is everyone
saying that they are but enough men abuse women to warrant this information & to help
women live free & safe in the world!

[dan]

i agree,,women will talk and talk in circles without never ever coming to a conclusion about any abuse situation,,also most women i know only tell us men half of what the real story is all about, lets face it women need to find out who,,what they are as women before they get married and get into abusive relations,,,also men must think with their hearts and women less with their hearts and more with their minds..most men are immature and women isecure .... the end result is like a nasty civil war.

[dan]

....for example 1 female i knew was raped as a kid,,now as a 32 yr old woman ,,,she is this bashfull woman with no personallity what shame all due to a male destroying her ,,now,,,am i at fault for her pain? she blames me for not making her painfull past disappear,now how about that ? theres a time to move on and make urself stronger from a shattered past,,most women are lookin for a super man,,fabio,,or a messiah type guy with all the right words to say..2 make then FEEL good,,,welll guess what people feeling good dont mean you are good...wake up and smell the coffee..,,arelationship is a 2 way street..meet me half way and i will meet you half way.

[Kate]

I realize that this entry is old (hence this comment, late) but it will never be irrelevant or outdated. The words are right on point, the message is important and the condemnation is warranted. Further, this entry is significant to every abused woman who has ever been told that she was bitter or unforgiving. My abusive ex-husband told me that I was both. Beyond that, he felt compelled to lecture me, for a full 20 minutes, about how important it was for me to forgive him (for my own sake, of course.) Funny, why would someone who hasn't done anything wrong need forgiveness?
Actually, he did acknowledge that he 'let me down,' which I guess is supposed to cover lying, calling me names, threatening me, berating me verbally and assaulting me (physically and sexually.) My being 'bitter and unforgiving' is the clearly the real offense though. He has Narcissistic Personality Disorder too, so yeah, he was the victim, not me.